6 Bumper Stickers I Wish Didn’t Exist

One of the biggest reasons I’ve been neglecting my blog is because I have a job now. And with that job comes great responsibility commute times. It takes an hour for me to get to work on a good day, and who knows how long in shitty traffic.

If you’ll remember, I live in New Jersey. Jersey drivers have a well-deserved reputation of being aggressive motherfuckers, and whenever I see one of these I get even more irrationally angry.

1) Stick Figure Families


I know, I know. It’s cool to hate these. But it is WELL-DESERVED HATE. At first they were vaguely cute, but every day there are more and more and the novelty wore off really quickly. Especially with the advent of…

2) NOVELTY Stick Figure Families


Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, people have to get CREATIVE with their stupid stickers. The worst offender of all was the Mr. Met family I saw a few years ago – as a Mets fan, that even made me cringe. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) I couldn’t find a picture of them. Moving on…

3) Elaborate “In Loving Memory Of (my deceased relative)” Memorials


My most sincere apologies to Ms. Smith. Forever doomed to have your name plastered over the back windscreen of someone’s car. I just think these are really tacky, especially if they’re for pets. (I saw one of those the other day and nearly puked right then and there.)

4) “Keep Christ In Christmas” Magnets


IT’S APRIL. TAKE THE DAMN THING OFF YOUR CAR ALREADY. And that’s not just the angry atheist side talking.

(Also, y’all know that the ‘x’ stands for ‘christ,’ right? Right? No, probably not, otherwise you wouldn’t have the damn sticker/magnet to begin with.)

5) “My (insert dog breed here) Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student”


NO. That is quite literally impossible. Chances are your dog doesn’t have an education, life experience, or a job. Now if it were “my dog is more lovable than your honor student” or “my dog is better at playing fetch than your honor student,” I might be inclined to agree.

6) Any Kitschy Breast Cancer Awareness Sticker


By displaying this sticker, you are saying:
a) that a potentially debilitating disease is JUST SO FUNNY!
b) that women are no more important than their breasts! Sexism!!!
c) that you don’t really care about finding a cure, you just like tits!
d) all of the above!

If you answered “D,” YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! Shit ain’t funny. Just stop.

Which ones do you hate to see? Leave them in the comments!

11 responses to “6 Bumper Stickers I Wish Didn’t Exist

  1. Tother day, saw one of the family ones with the mother missing…and “taking applications” written in white above the space. Now THAT is tacky for sure. Who would be interested in a guy with five kids and four dogs? A glutton for punishment. And it does make you wonder where the wife went to….

  2. Haha! So funny. So true! I’m just about done seeing that Calvin & Hobbs kid peeing on everything from Ford’s and Chevy’s to ex-wives…

  3. Not a bumper sticker, but I’m sick of seeing testicles hanging from dude’s pick-up trucks. Really? I need to see your “balls of steel” dangling from the hitch of your busted rusty truck mad early in the morning. You’re so cool, dude.

      Every time I see one I roll my eyes so hard I feel like they’re on the verge of getting stuck. Who was the genius who thought giving a car balls was a good idea? It looks so stupid and 101/100 times the dude driving this vehicle is a world-class jerk. hurr hurr look at my sweet ride, it has bigger balls than yours. Sure, I bet your car gets you all the ladies, dude.

  4. I will admit to owning one of those EXACT “keep Christ in Christmas” magnets… BUT I put it on my car mid-November & take it off when Epiphany starts. Also, I know about the X thing. 🙂

    There is a local tattoo place that hands out bumper stickers and they are super lame & I get annoyed every time I see one. They aren’t clever or cute, just the name of the place in ARIAL BOLD.

  5. Oh hey, I managed to stumble over here. Hello!

    My sister likes tacky things, and she bought my mother stick figures last year for Christmas. They don’t bother me on my mom’s car all that much, really. They suit her (former) soccer-mom type of personality. I fear the day that I receive a pair for me and the boyfriend though.

  6. Pingback: What Your Bumper Stickers Say About You * Don't Poke This Bear·

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