Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations Of Dinosaur Extinctions

Blog, I’ve neglected you. You have fallen into the pattern of things I have but never remember to update because the interface isn’t as inane as Tumblr or as personal as Livejournal, and that often throws me for a loop. What do I write about here? How personal do I get? I’m going to try and update this a bit more frequently because honestly, I need something to keep me sane while writing my thesis. The rough draft is due in two weeks. Score.

So anyway, I don’t know how many of you readers knew me when I went to Disney World a few years ago. Spring Break ’09 was spent with my then boyfriend and two of my best friends at the Happiest Place On Earth.

One day, we rode the Dinosaur ride in Animal Kingdom because I love dinosaurs. What I was not expecting was how godforsakenly terrifying the ride actually was.

The ride takes place at the K-T boundary, and you’re traveling back in time to save one last dinosaur from the end of the fucking world. The K-T boundary is, of course, the end of the Cretaceous when the mass extinction occurred. Disney chose to interpret this as a meteor collision, basically the Chicxulub crater theory, and therefore you’re on a track riding through this meteor impact. There are little shrapnel bits flying everywhere and you’re trying to catch this one dinosaur. I cannot remember which. The one you’re trying to get isn’t important.

What is important, though, is the fucking Carnotaurus.

This motherfucker means business.

This guy follows you around, trying to eat you. It’s kind of like he knows he’s dying and wants his last meal on Pangaea to be your sorry ass. So not only are you trying to catch this lost dinosaur jerk, you’re running for your life from this Very Angry Dinosaur.

And man, is it SCARY. The strobe effects plus the already dark end of the world scenario mean you only run into him when you’re just rounding a corner, or it’s pitch black and they flash on his face, and I am a wimp so this, quite naturally, kicked in my wussy instinct of “cover your ears and look down so you won’t have to see anything.”

The ride comes to a stop while we pick up our lost dinosaur buddy. When I finally thought the coast was clear, I lifted my head up for a brief moment.

Directly next to me was this awful horrible death machine of a Carnotaurus. The only thing between me and this monster was my then-boyfriend. I felt he would make a good sacrifice. I stop screaming long enough to regain my sense of “hey this is fake” only to have the ride start moving again. Clear! I was clear! I WAS ALIVE AND UNDIGESTED!

We stumbled into the lobby, and found the on-ride photo. Wouldn’t you know they were taking it as I was pondering throwing my ex to the beast’s mouth?

Apparently I was screaming so much that the girl in the front row had to turn around and look at me. You will notice a few things about this photo:

a) I still have pink hair
b) My hands are over my ears
c) I am screaming bloody murder
d) My ex looks like Jhonen Vasquez

We rode the ride again a couple days later in an attempt for me to be less scared. I really wish we’d bought the on-ride photo here because I am so scared that all you can see are my hands covering my ears and a little pink patch of the top of my head. I am looking down at the ground.

If this is actually what the K-T boundary was like, I am so glad there are no dinosaurs anymore because they would STILL be bitching about it.

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5 responses to “Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations Of Dinosaur Extinctions

  1. Same as snakes on a plane, m’dear. Wild animals are after two things only: food and procreation. Just be glad the carnatosaurus was just hungry….
    (And yes, this is her mother writing this)

  2. I cannot lie- my favorite thing about that picture is the little boy who looks perturbed… possibly the killing machine’s fault, possibly the terrified lady behind him’s fault. Love, love, love it.

    I feel like I remember that ride- and if not, one very similar.
    And I remember it wigging my itty self out when we were there.

    No thanks, Disney. No thanks.

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